Not a man hating post, but a fuck-boy hating post…
Also, I appreciate not everyone who reads my blog is a single, straight woman. I hope that gay men, gay women, people in relationships and singles too find something they can relate to in this post! We all deserve happiness, but most importantly, we all deserve to value ourselves more.
I’m writing this to remind myself how far I’ve come. I’ve been ‘single’ now for long enough to try most ways of meeting people. This includes the questionable dating apps like Tinder and Bumble, as well as websites like Plenty Of Fish. I do not feel I’m at the stage where I should pay for the privilege of finding someone in a social media sense, so I’m yet to try more premium dating sites. I’m young, ambitious, intelligent and confident. I know that I’m worthy of someone’s feelings, and I know that I could make someone very happy. So, I’m enlisting the help of my favourite contestant of RuPaul’s Drag Race, Alyssa Edwards. I am using humour in this post, mainly to stop it becoming ‘ranty’, but also to prove that I am definitely seeing light at the end of the tunnel. I’ve had the chance to speak to some lovely men recently, and hopefully in the future spend time with someone. My theory is that I’d like to develop a connection stronger than our current wifi signals.
Having said this, I’m also young and single at a very strange point in time. You see, there seems to be some kind of widespread epidemic affecting myself and millions of other girls, including some of my closest friends. We are chatting to boys (and I will refer to them as boys, not men), and suddenly realising that this person would rather know our bra size than what we do for a living. These, my friends, are Fuckboys. They ask if we live alone or with housemates, if we drive (so we can get to them easily), if we have ‘any pics’.
I am not stupid. I know that you are scoping out whether I would be an easy booty-call. I know that your primary interest is meeting at our addresses for a fumble, and not in a public place to get to know each other before any promise of intimate contact. Believe me, you would have to be pretty special for me to risk mine and my housemate’s safety and anonymity by giving you my address.
Myself, and many of the single women I know, present ourselves as ready for relationships. We even hint at a date, mention our likes and dislikes of food and drink. Believe me, we are perfectly happy to pay for ourselves if required. We are not trying to trap you! We are merely confirming we are not afraid of commitment, and do not want one night stands. My profile certainly does not ask for unsolicited dick-pics.
Yet, despite all this, we rarely get past basic greetings before we are told ‘ur so fukin sexy, would love to see more of u’. Please don’t get me wrong, I love a good sexy selfie. In fact, they do wonders for my confidence! Whether I’m naked or simply including my lingerie or body in the shot, I can appreciate it is arousing and sexual. Come on, I’m in my undies all over this blog! But that’s my choice. I don’t care who sees those pictures, they were taken for you, my readers. I enjoy showing you the beautiful items I am gifted or purchased that make me feel sexy, and could make you feel that way too. I am proud of my body, and all of it’s rolls!
Forgive me for seeming old fashioned, but when did it become appropriate for someone to request seeing your breasts or even genitals before they have met you face to face? You should feel honored that I may let you near those parts of me in the future, and you should earn that trust. You want to see my face? Fine! I change my hair all the time, it’s only fair you see how it looks currently so that you recognise me if we meet. You want a full body picture? That’s ok. I’m aware that catfishing is unfortunately common, and people have tendencies to lie about their physical appearance online due to their own insecurities. At the end of the day, I would not want to meet up with someone who disliked an image of my full body anyway, so I’m happy to test the waters and send a pic from a night out, or a recent event where I feel I looked gorgeous.
Finally, if there is some sexual tension between us, shouldn’t that be magical? Undressing someone for the first time is both arousing and beautiful, discovering skin, tattoos, quirks and scars. Why wouldn’t you want to savour that? Experience it. There’s no mystery or beauty in sending you a picture of my ass on a 5 inch screen. Plus, if I send you a picture I’ve re-taken 4 times, added a filter to, and used a ‘slimming’ angle, am I promising something I can’t live up to? If I’m asked for a fresh pic, and I’m sitting with greasy hair and no makeup, I will simply state ‘I don’t look my best right now, but if things go well I’m sure you’ll get the opportunity to see me in this state at some point’. If he doesn’t accept that, he’s not worth it darling.
I personally feel apps like Snapchat have caused girls to fall into a horrible habit. They don’t realise that they are conditioned to respond to social interactions with boys by taking a suggestive selfie, or provide staged evidence that they are fun and interesting every second of the day. You do not have to prove you are interesting. I’m sick of seeing the beautiful, fun women I know reduced to using the same angles, poses and faces over and over, all for a flippant response of ‘can’t wait to fuck u, baby’. I want to witness their smiles when they are messaging someone who gives them tummy butterflies, listens to what they have to say and at no point demands visual evidence that they can have sex. My babes deserve more. They deserve to feel wanted for their brains and their bodies. They deserve to feel special, and not wonder in the back of their minds if you’ve said the same thing 1000 times to every ‘swipe right’.
I’ll be frank here. I have been promiscuous in the past. I can’t remember the first names of all the people I’ve slept with in my life. This does not make me a bad person. This has created who I am as a person today. I don’t ‘regret’, it’s not something I feel helps a person develop.
A few months ago I began talking to a guy from Tinder. He was handsome, successful, and charming. He was quite a gentleman too, he genuinely did not pressure me in any way. We had coffee, we spent time together in my house. He even mentioned me coming to his house at some point, to meet his dog! I invited him to mine again, we even got a little intimate, but did not have sex. It was lovely, it was comfortable. We carried on like this for a couple of weeks. Then out of nowhere, one day, he just stopped messaging me. He also stopped reading my messages. He still showed as ‘online’ a lot of the time. There was no hint of why this happened, and never will be. It took me a week or so to get over the confusion, and I am ashamed now to admit I was in the ‘what have I done wrong’ mindset. No matter how charming, handsome and mature he appeared, this guy was a Fuckboy. I was his distraction, his bit-of-time-to-waste before something better came along. That hurts, but things got easier the moment I admitted it to myself.
Not everyone you sleep with will become your boyfriend. Not everyone you meet will become a sexual partner. Not everyone you message will ask to meet you. But this choice is up to you: Not everyone you are yet to meet in person should get to see you naked. Recently, I’ve really had to take a big step back and judge myself. After initially joining these dating apps and sites, I got overly excited with male attention. It was refreshing at first to have people openly telling me that I was sexy. Women who have lost their mojo like to hear that, it confirms we are attractive and desirable. We can look at these messages when we are having a bad-confidence day. But soon I realised I just had an inbox full of Fuckboys. They had the privilege of seeing pictures I had taken privately for them. I thought I had the same in return. But what makes me happy about a dick pic? What part of my future with this person needs this picture to justify our connection? In fact: Who is this person? Do they deserve to see me so intimately? Have they proven to me that they value my confidence and pride? The answer to these questions 99% of the time is no. If you can truly admit that to yourself, then in the words of our saviour Beyoncé, ‘Boy, bye’.
I’m not ashamed, and I don’t regret those choices. I’m just more aware of how I choose to react in the future to boys, or men, that have no intention of making me happy. And of course, this post is not meant to slut-shame those who send intimate pictures of themselves to people they haven’t met. This is to educate those who have low self-esteem, and question why they are constantly ‘getting fucked over by guys’. Please take responsibility for your actions. How can a guy ‘fuck you over’ if you gave him everything that makes you unique before he even had to buy you a drink?
Dating can be wonderful, exciting even. That effort you put into your hair and makeup? Let him appreciate that in person. That beautiful underwear that you save for special occasions? He should only get to see it once he’s truly expressed his desire to see you in the morning, flaws and all. And if you’re very lucky, and you treat me with respect: you can have all the teasing, pleasing, sexy and beautiful aspects of me that you want.
I am worth more than a message sent late on a Saturday night after a week of silence.
I am worth more than ‘show me more, babe’.
And so are you, my beautiful and interesting friends.
If this post has resonated with you in any way, please leave a comment on this blog! I’ve received an incredible amount of comments and private messages on my Facebook page, but I’d love for you all to witness this unity by leaving your thoughts here. You can be anonymous, or include your name. It’s your choice, just leave a comment below xxx